Friday, June 25, 2010


Moose and hippos are nature's killing machines. If Mother Nature were to take out a hit on you, she would send a moose. Moose will stomp you just to watch you die.

On the other hand, the vastness of their chest cavity is nearly unmatched among land animals (whales, of course, being cream of the crop chest-cavity-size-wise), their bulbous snouts make an excellent spot for keeping snacks or babies warm and dry, and, between the months of June and August, they are chock full of moose milk. These factors make them ideal candidates for cutting open and crawling inside to survive a storm in the wild.

Weigh your options carefully before tangling with a moose. Are there several tender fawns nearby? A couple hundred marmots? A bewildered elk? Or any other animal that wasn't specifically designed to crush your face with its giant pendulous hooves? If not, the best way to catch a moose is to tame a wolf pack and sick it on the moose. As you can see in the illustration below, a well-trained wolf pack can easily confuse and take down even the biggest, angriest bull moose.

If you don't have a wolf pack, go for the nose. Moose noses are so sensitive that the pain of a nose wound can paralyze the animal. Thus a truly deft survivalist could bring the great beast down with a single knife throw.

With any luck, you'll spend the storm safe and dry inside nature's killing machine, sipping moose milk like a Russian prince.


  1. I am sure you know that moose are quite capable of swimming and can often be found skinny dipping or swimming between islands for survival. I would be interested to learn of their fighting abilities in water.
    Would this be an apt time to attack?
    Could I pit one against a whale or squid?
    If possible it seems to me a win win situation.
    Either way I end up with a comfy crawl space. Right?

  2. Everything you say is spot on. I can think of few things more majestic and beautiful than a moose/giant squid/whale battle royale on the high sea. If I were a painter I'd devote my brush wholly to the subject.

  3. The only thing more majestic that comes to mind would be a night spent with you inside a whale sipping casually on liquefied blubber. Perhaps 2012 will make all our dreams come true.
    until then...