Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Giant Whale-Eating Whale

Today is a sad day here at COACISSW. With the discovery of the Giant Whale-Eating Whale we were once again reminded that many of the most ideal animals to cut open and crawl inside to survive a storm in the wild are extinct. Woolly mammoths, tyrannosaurs, brontosaurs, and dragons are all gone while rats, weasels, ferrets, and other essentially useless rodents thrive. I sometimes feel like a survivalist needs a time machine to truly test their mettle.

The Giant Whale-Eating Whale raged through the seas 13 million years ago, devouring other whales and everything else that stood in its path. There was nowhere to hide. Other whales lived in fear, unlike today when they swagger around at the top of the food chain like huge floating Vin Diesels.

The Giant Whale-Eating Whale's skull was ten feet long and packed with razor sharp foot long teeth. Meaning you wouldn't even need to cut it open. You could just crawl right into its mouth. Not that you would. Because that would make you the kind of person that chooses a condo over a log cabin or a Prius over a big American truck with balls hanging off the hitch.

Obviously, the best way to catch it would be to convince it that you're a sperm whale and then, when it comes at you jaws agape, hurl a boulder down its throat. After it chokes to death, cut it open, hop inside, and weather the storm in the comfort of a Giant Whale-Eating Whale.


  1. Excellent post.
    You could also build some kind of "trojan whale" and hide inside, waiting for the leviathan to snap you up. Once inside, it's party time.

  2. You implied that weasels and ferrets are rodents, which they are not. They are useful in controlling rodents, since they are carnivores.