Lake Monsters

Debate over the existence of lake monsters continues to rage in the academic community. Zoologists spend most of their careers traveling from lake to lake, sitting in small boats late at night, studying dark shapes in grainy photographs, and interviewing strange villagers with terrible secrets.

After spending the Greatest Non Jesus Related Day of the Year at a lake, I can report once-and-for-all that they do exist because I saw not one, but TWO lake monsters. I was out on the dock. It was late. I was surrounded by empty cans of Bud Light Lime and spent explosives, thinking happy thoughts about cavernous chest cavities, when I saw a large ominous shape rising out of the water in the distance. A second later I realized its mirror image was rising out of the water just a few feet to the right. I saw a long neck, a huge body, and I got the distinct impression of fangs.

Once an animal has been discovered, the next logical step is to cut it open and crawl inside to survive a storm in the wild. I scrabbled around the dock desperately searching for something to fire at it but all our fireworks were used and I'd left my gun on a park bench somewhere. When I turned back, the lake monsters were gone.

Cutting open a lake monster and crawling inside to survive a storm in the wild is not going to be easy. Even with modern technology like tasers, rocket packs, and laser gloves, they are elusive. But if anyone can do it, it's an American. We walked on the moon. We nuked Godzilla. We created Michael Jackson and then destroyed him. We can do this. The hunt is on.