Friday, September 24, 2010

Grizzly-Bear-Sized Sloth

Do you ever get the feeling life was better one and a half million years ago? I do.

Today, southern Los Angeles is a wasteland of strip malls, amusement parks, and fast food restaurants. To survive in the wild there all you need is $7 and no soul. But, one and a half million years ago this was the home of the grizzly-bear-sized sloth.

Imagine, if you will, wandering through the "moist and lush" Irvingtonian period, lost somewhere between Riverside and Upland, armed with nothing but a broadsword, hacking through ferns as an epic storm roils on the horizon.

You are seeking shelter. You are pitting your wits against the cold steely will of Mother Nature. Your resolve is as firm as your well-muscled torso. And, what do you see, hanging from a tree, fast asleep in its warm woolly hide? A sloth the size of a grizzly bear. Just waiting, waiting, to be cut open and crawled inside to survive a storm in the wild.


  1. Like shooting giant fish in a tree-sized barrel

  2. Um, awesome blog. Just awesome.

  3. Unfortunately, those giant sloths were as fast and as mean as real grizzly bear.

  4. Unrelated to this post, but you have to watch a movie called Seraphim Falls, with Liam Neeson and Pierce Brosnan. There's a great scene where Brosnan cuts open his dead horse and hides inside it. Plus the whole movie is badass as fuck.

  5. One time, a giant sloth stole my wonderjoints.

  6. I want to see a picture of the god damned sloth of grizzly proportions! wtf is wrong with you posting such tantalizing things without!