Monday, October 4, 2010

Taking a Political Stand

Generally, when I sense politics approaching I reach for my blade. I live by the rule of the jungle and the only taxes I pay are are the scraps of meat I'm too full to eat after a fresh kill. I don't support either party or follow the issues (except when education comes up I make sure to mention how negligent our schools are in teaching proper trap-setting and lair-making techniques.)

However, after reflecting on the grizzly-bear-sized sloth and the giant-whale-eating whale, I'm prepared to come out and take what I believe to be an important political stand: I fully support any and all using-prehistoric-animal-DNA-found-in-preserved-mosquitoes-to-bring-said-prehistoric-animal-back-to-life research.

I've looked at the issue carefully from all sides. I watched Jurassic Park three times. I spoke to several amateur zoologists. And every which way I look at it, the benefits far outweigh the risks. Sure, the thought of a ten ton T Rex ravaging Manhattan is frightening, but it would be a tremedous learning moment for the legions of city dwellers who have forgotten the potency of mother nature's wrath. And think of the countless lives that will be saved from storms in the wild by the new bounty of massive chest cavities.

I hope you will join me. Write your senators. Approach them aggressively. Corner them and make sure they understand the importance of using-prehistoric-animal-DNA-found-in-preserved-mosquitoes-to-bring-said-prehistoric-animals-back-to-life (UPADFPMBSPA). Whichever party presents the stronger UPADFPMBSPA bill will certainly have my vote this fall and will probably win the day in these sharply divided times.

Together we can dramatically improve humanity's chances of surviving a storm in the wild.


  1. I'm totally with you man. I also think there should be some type of training camp to teach more people how to wrestle and ride bears. Including Polar.

  2. A call to arms! Finally a sociopolitical cause I can get behind. I have been looking for a cause to champion for years, but abortion is to messy, wolf reintroduction to endangered, gay marriage to awkward, legal marijuana to half baked. But now this, UPADFPMBSPA, a movie turned reality, fiction turned truth. I think if there is one thing we have learned in this country it is that movies, and actors make great political agenda (see Ronald Reagen, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jesse Ventura and anything by Will Smith). When this day comes I can guarantee you I will be there, ready to climb inside the prehistoric beast and survive a storm in the wilderness!

  3. Jordan, our minds are like one. Viva UPADFPMBSPA!

    Peter, I couldn't agree more. No child should be allowed out of middle school without subduing at least a panda. And the fact that we allow people to become lawyers without first learning Nature's Law by tangling with an enraged grizzly is just sickening.

  4. How would I contact you about someone who has actually cut open an animal and survived a storm in the wild.

  5. Anonymous, let me first express my excitement with a series of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!! Then email me at:

  6. "The fact that we allow people to become lawyers without first learning Nature's Law by tangling with an enraged grizzly is just sickening." This comments wins all the prizes! My daughter is currently being forced to participate in Fantasy Football as a part of Physical Education at her Jr. High School. WTFizz?!! I'm outraged, and have suggested that the school take the students that are completely fizzed about it outside and teach them how to make a bow-drill, or weave cordage from local plants. It'd be much healthier. If my requests are ignored, perhaps I shall next suggest that they teach them how to crawl inside the chest cavity of a large line-backer to survive a storm in the wild.

  7. I wish they would bring back woolly mammoths... I would love to hunt one.