Saturday, August 27, 2011

Hurricane Irene! Emergency Post!

This is our moment people! An apocalyptic swirl is hurtling up the eastern seaboard carving a swath of death and destruction. Three people are already dead. Hundreds of millions more will probably follow. Thirty foot waves, crippling rain, and 100 MPH winds that turn every lawn ornament into a hurtling death missile are coming for your family. The hurricane is the size of Europe, but unlike Europe it's actually threatening. It's every man, woman, and child for themselves.

An 'expert' on CNN just advised everyone to get to their safe room. He's a damn fool. Room's aren't safe. What holds them together? Nails. Razor sharp steel blades just waiting for the moment a hurricane frees them from bondage so they can ravage you and all those you love. Get out of your house! Get out of your apartment! Get outside before it's too late!

Our only hope is to cut open an animal and crawl inside to survive the storm in the wild.

For over a year I've been compiling a list of animals suitable for cutting open and crawling inside to survive a storm in the wild. Grab your blade, consult the list, and get out there. Personally, I've been filling my NYC building's patio with trash for the past hour. The rats are already starting to come. I hope to kill a hundred or so of them to create a safe, warm, nail-less shelter from which to weather this bitch Irene.


  1. FEMA should send an immediate supply of large-bodied mammals to the eastern seaboard. Supplies are going to rapidly dwindle.

  2. Heck of a job, Brownie! Best hurricane advice I've read. Thank the gods you're back!

  3. I cut open and crawled inside the MTA worker who tried to make me get off the subway at 11:56am yesterday.