Tuesday, August 23, 2011


Good news on the UPADFPMBSPA front today. Jack Horner, the white-haired scientist who gets everybody killed in Jurassic Park, has announced that he's creating a chickenosaurus!

"This is all about attempting to satisfy the aspirations of 6th graders (and children of all ages) and bring back dinosaurs," he writes. Ah the whimsy of an aging megalomaniac! It's so refreshing in this age of 'no you can't hatch your alligator bird because of ethical concerns.' Yes I can! Horner says.

I'm on the record supporting any and all UPADFPMBSPA research. Create them, hatch them, wait for a storm, and slice 'em open, is my opinion. My only concern is that we end up with something adorable like the allifrog.

It's painfully obvious to anyone who's spent time tromping around in the woods lately that there aren't enough vicious beasts with man-sized chest cavities roaming around. The cities are even worse--full of fat people bloating in the sun, surrounded by pigeons. We're going soft, America. Politicians would be wise to take notice and surreptitiously fund the work of the great Dr. Horner. If a couple velociraptors get loose in DC next fall it will certainly take people's mind off the economy.


  1. But are dinosaurs warm blooded?? Somebody needs to fund investigation of this critical issue.

  2. Warm blooded, no, but they are waterproof, hailproof, snowproof, nuclear fallout proof, pretty much everything but meteor proof...and the virile heart of a survivalist who's just made a fresh kill is capable of heating the chest cavity of even the largest brontosaur.