Whale

As Dunncle Sam noted in one of his insightful comments about using smaller animals as bait to attract larger animals which you can cut open and crawl inside to survive a storm in the wild, "whales are the 'white whale' of any COACISSWer." Their massive chest cavity, protective layer of blubber, and structural stability make them nature's greatest gift to the stranded survivalist. I suspect that even after the storm abates and the singing of birds can be heard in the trees, one would be tempted to wile away a few more hours inside the noble beast. However, like most truly great things, whales are elusive.

Hunting one down with merely the knife and floaties I bring on every expedition is a daunting task indeed. Whales are nearly impossible to catch in their own habitat. Though we are both mammals, their swimming ability is far more advanced than ours. Many times I've spotted a whale and leapt into the ocean only to lose it in the ensuing chase.

Thus, the primary way a whale is useful to a survivalist is if it's already beached. Whales generally perish in prolonged battles with giant squid (see below for a helpful illustration tattooed on some dude's arm) and sometimes wash up on land in the turbulent hours preceding a storm. But Poseidon is fickle. I urge you not to spend your final minutes 'neath the darkening sky waiting for him to deliver you a whale. Pursue a land beast, but keep an eye to the sea. Hope is the survivalist's most powerful tool.

Tattoo by Luca Natalini

Penguins

The main thing to beware of, when cutting open penguins and crawling inside to survive a storm in the wild, is whimsy. Penguins are very whimsical creatures. They wear suits. They toddle around, waggling their heads back and forth. They like to slide down hills. It's easy to get carried away and lose focus--focus necessary for survival. Instead of dragging your penguin fort to a protected area like you should as the storm approaches, you start thinking how funny it is that penguins wear suits and you're wearing a suit of penguins. Then you make a comical gesture or two with a flipper, pretending you're at a cocktail party with George Plimpton and you just said something tremendously witty. Next thing you know you're ignoring the storm altogether, sliding down a hill and BAM--struck by lightning. Game over.

Selecting a Blade

The second most important tool to bring into the wild (after a steely will) is a quality blade. Loyal readers will have noted a disparity between the sizes of blades used to cut open an animal before crawling inside to survive a storm in the wild. Simon, from The Last Crossing, drove his "sixteen-inch blade into the horse's chest" and used it to saw "the belly down to the legs." Essentially he unsheathed his pirate sword and went to work, hacking and sawing. Bear, on the other hand, used a slightly overgrown pocketknife, valuing precision over brute force as he separated the camel's innards from the camel.

Whenever I embark on an expedition I'm faced with my own conflicting desires for a blade small enough to hurl end-over-end at trees and large enough to wave through the air with a satisfying swish swish. But, as the good people at Survival Topics note, "Choosing the right survival knife is more than an exercise in individuality--your very life may hinge upon its proper selection."

In general, I suggest a full tang, drop point blade approximately six-inches long that has been tested to cut through airplanes and oil drums (knife manufacturers presumably test on these items because of the large number of consumers who slice their way into and out of airplanes and oil drums each year.) The Becker BK10 is a good example. Fallkniven also makes an excellent model. But, ultimately, the choice is yours. Your knife should make you happy and confident, whether you're wandering the aisles of your local grocery store, secure in the knowledge that you could slice that can of chili clean in half, or if you're stranded in the wild, a storm brewing, surveying the carcass of a moose for an entry point.

Giant Catfish

As an American, I've long underestimated freshwater fish. While delicious, the trout and salmon that populate our rivers are small and floppy.

So it was with awe that I viewed the above picture. The giant catfish is truly a behemoth of the stream. Growing up to ten feet long and weighing almost a ton, they are ideal to cut open and crawl inside to survive a storm in the wild. I'm already planning an ill-prepared trip to the Mekong during monsoon season.

However, no sooner do I learn of this great fish's existence, than I learn that it's endangered. The Chinese government plans to dam up the Mekong to feed their insatiable lust for 24 hour discotheques and laser gloves. The giant catfish is to0 large to go over the dam (though I wonder if perhaps it could just smash through) and would not be able to spawn.

We at COACISSW need to stand together to protect this fish (and what I have to assume is a truly spectacular spawning process). As I noted in the giant whale-eating whale post, too many of the best animals to cut open and crawl inside to survive a storm in the wild are already extinct.

Not one more! I say.

I've been angry with the Chinese government for the past few years because of how scared they made me of the Olympics, but this really crosses the line.

But there's hope. They won't be able to dam the river if the river is full of Americans. Bring your boats, jet boats, jet skis, submarines, hover boats, knee boards, fishing gear, spear guns, air rifles, Bud Light Lime, beads, American flag bikinis, and classic rock mixes. Let's turn the Mekong into the Havasu of the east. No need to pack any food, there will be plenty of catfish to go around.

And if a storm comes up, just cast your line into the water and wait for sweet slippery salvation.

Falkor the Luckdragon

Luckdragons elongated bodies allow them to swim through the air. Covered in scales and fur, they remain in constant motion, wriggling like a snake when they fly.

This elongated body also makes them an ideal candidate for cutting open and crawling inside to survive a storm in the wild, particularly if you are stranded with a large group of children. Only three or four adults can fit inside lying down, however, ten to fifteen children can form a standing line in the beasts lengthy chest cavity.

Falkor in particular is trusting of human children. Thus, if you get lost taking a class of kindergarteners to search for Uyulala the Southern Oracle, and a storm that may or may not be the work of the evil sorceress Xayide is rolling in from the north, have one of them summon Falkor.

With luck, he will find you, and when he does, his luck will run out. Use a long serrated blade to saw him open from chin to tail. Work fast, this will be a traumatic moment for the kids. Consider distracting them by pretending that a rock in the distance is the werewolf Gmork coming to steal their souls.

After the incision is made, remove the guts and herd the children inside. The storm will abate and Xayide will pass over you none the wiser.

A note of caution: children love luckdragons. They might try to avenge Falkor's death. Be particularly wary of a shy bookish boy named Bastian. He has a magic amulet and gets a little crazy.

Honey Badger

The Guinness Book of World Records named the honey badger the world's bravest animal. After watching the above video, I've decided it's just as idiotic as Guinness's other records, like most pirate garbed people in one place or longest leg hair. Sure, honey badgers are brave but they're stupid brave. Brave like punching the biggest guy in the bar just because he's the biggest guy in the bar or eating a jar of expired mayonnaise because your bros dared you to.

It's a classic case of New Jersey brave. Honey badgers snarl around being greasy and picking fights with everyone. They're the guidos of the animal kingdom, making them particularly satisfying to cut open and crawl inside to survive a storm in the wild.

As with real guidos, there's no reason to fight them face to face. Simply wait for them to eat (or drink) something poisonous and pass out. In this case, track the honey badger until it eats a puff adder. Then, when it's out cold in a deathlike fetal position, much like the guy who ate the expired mayo, you can take your time cutting it open and crawling inside.

Bald Eagle

Don't even think about it.

Lake Monsters

Debate over the existence of lake monsters continues to rage in the academic community. Zoologists spend most of their careers traveling from lake to lake, sitting in small boats late at night, studying dark shapes in grainy photographs, and interviewing strange villagers with terrible secrets.

After spending the Greatest Non Jesus Related Day of the Year at a lake, I can report once-and-for-all that they do exist because I saw not one, but TWO lake monsters. I was out on the dock. It was late. I was surrounded by empty cans of Bud Light Lime and spent explosives, thinking happy thoughts about cavernous chest cavities, when I saw a large ominous shape rising out of the water in the distance. A second later I realized its mirror image was rising out of the water just a few feet to the right. I saw a long neck, a huge body, and I got the distinct impression of fangs.

Once an animal has been discovered, the next logical step is to cut it open and crawl inside to survive a storm in the wild. I scrabbled around the dock desperately searching for something to fire at it but all our fireworks were used and I'd left my gun on a park bench somewhere. When I turned back, the lake monsters were gone.

Cutting open a lake monster and crawling inside to survive a storm in the wild is not going to be easy. Even with modern technology like tasers, rocket packs, and laser gloves, they are elusive. But if anyone can do it, it's an American. We walked on the moon. We nuked Godzilla. We created Michael Jackson and then destroyed him. We can do this. The hunt is on.

Giant Whale-Eating Whale

Today is a sad day here at COACISSW. With the discovery of the Giant Whale-Eating Whale we were once again reminded that many of the most ideal animals to cut open and crawl inside to survive a storm in the wild are extinct. Woolly mammoths, tyrannosaurs, brontosaurs, and dragons are all gone while rats, weasels, ferrets, and other essentially useless rodents thrive. I sometimes feel like a survivalist needs a time machine to truly test their mettle.

The Giant Whale-Eating Whale raged through the seas 13 million years ago, devouring other whales and everything else that stood in its path. There was nowhere to hide. Other whales lived in fear, unlike today when they swagger around at the top of the food chain like huge floating Vin Diesels.

The Giant Whale-Eating Whale's skull was ten feet long and packed with razor sharp foot long teeth. Meaning you wouldn't even need to cut it open. You could just crawl right into its mouth. Not that you would. Because that would make you the kind of person that chooses a condo over a log cabin or a Prius over a big American truck with balls hanging off the hitch.

Obviously, the best way to catch it would be to convince it that you're a sperm whale and then, when it comes at you jaws agape, hurl a boulder down its throat. After it chokes to death, cut it open, hop inside, and weather the storm in the comfort of a Giant Whale-Eating Whale.

Art

Normally I'm not a fan of art, but when it reminds me of cutting open an animal and crawling inside to survive a storm in the wild I make an exception. These illustrations by Paul Revie offer a good, if slightly over-whimsical (again:beware the penguins!), reminder of the joyful possibilities of spending time inside a wild animal.

Moose

Moose and hippos are nature's killing machines. If Mother Nature were to take out a hit on you, she would send a moose. Moose will stomp you just to watch you die.

On the other hand, the vastness of their chest cavity is nearly unmatched among land animals (whales, of course, being cream of the crop chest-cavity-size-wise), their bulbous snouts make an excellent spot for keeping snacks or babies warm and dry, and, between the months of June and August, they are chock full of moose milk. These factors make them ideal candidates for cutting open and crawling inside to survive a storm in the wild.

Weigh your options carefully before tangling with a moose. Are there several tender fawns nearby? A couple hundred marmots? A bewildered elk? Or any other animal that wasn't specifically designed to crush your face with its giant pendulous hooves? If not, the best way to catch a moose is to tame a wolf pack and sick it on the moose. As you can see in the illustration below, a well-trained wolf pack can easily confuse and take down even the biggest, angriest bull moose.

If you don't have a wolf pack, go for the nose. Moose noses are so sensitive that the pain of a nose wound can paralyze the animal. Thus a truly deft survivalist could bring the great beast down with a single knife throw.

With any luck, you'll spend the storm safe and dry inside nature's killing machine, sipping moose milk like a Russian prince.