Wednesday, May 19, 2010


The thing about bison, as you can see from the picture above, is that they are gangster. Be careful not to underestimate them. Sure, we've all heard stories about shooting them from trains and running them off cliffs, but those were cheap shots. And the reason bison are prone to cheap shots is, again, because they are gangster. They hang out in the open all day, eating grass and twigs, wallowing in the dirt, and hollerin'. They aren't afraid of shit. Bison expert Jim Pisarowics puts it well when he says, "they usually appear peaceful, unconcerned, even lazy, yet they may attack anything, often without warning or apparent reason." And when they come at you it's at 35 mph with a head the size of a truck engine and two razor sharp horns. In a word: gangster.

The most important thing to remember if you're going to try to cut open a bison and crawl inside to survive a storm in the wild is: bison don't give a fuck. So if you're going to take one down you've got to leave all your fear and khakis and personal issues and love of macchiatos behind. The only way to beat a gangster is to become one. Drink several 40s, blast some Public Enemy, and walk into that field like you own the motherfucking place. Earn their respect and then BAM, out with the knife, and you'll find out how gangster you really are.

1 comment:

  1. Your proper use of the word Bison brings a tear to my eye, there is nothing that riles me more than an uneducated heathen referring to these majestic beast as buffalo (except in the case of the Ted Nugent song "The Great White Buffalo" which I would like to suggest as a theme song for COACISSW)