Friday, May 21, 2010

Giant Squid

Giant squid live thousands of feet below the ocean's surface where the water pressure would crush a human instantly. They emerge from the abyss for one reason and one reason alone: to battle whales. Giant squid LOVE to battle whales. Therefore, to catch a giant squid you must convince it that you're a whale. Whales communicate over vast distances using extremely low frequencies. I recommend bringing a sonar projector on any expedition that will take you near the ocean. (They are quite heavy and expensive, but someday you'll wake up inside a giant squid and thank me.) When you see a storm brewing, set your sonar projector up on the beach to lure the giant squid out of the briny deep. As soon as you spot the squid, make a series of high-pitched EEEEE noises. This will assure it that there are whales nearby.

The giant squid will retreat as soon as he discovers that you are not a whale, so you don't have much time. Leap into the water with your spear and aim for one of the squid's enormous eyes. They are the proverbial Achilles heel of the giant squid. Drive your spear through the eye and drag the beast ashore. At some point during the struggle you will probably be lifted up by a tentacle and flung a great distance (see illustration below) but, if you have succeeded in landing your spear, this will happen during the death throes and you will return to a calm, dead squid, ready to be cut open and crawled inside to survive a storm in the wild.

1 comment:

  1. I think it relevant do discuss eating your recent found shelter as well, because well lets face it, if your going to kill it you might as well eat it, and for survivals sake it may be necessary. (side note giant squid taste like chicken)

    Squid Recipe