Saturday, May 8, 2010


Some animals will do you no good to cut open and crawl inside to survive a storm in the wild. In fact, there's an entire subphylum of such creatures: crustaceans. Their crunchy exoskeletons crack and chip easily. Their segmented bodies fall apart under duress. They have no souls, so they provide no warmth. (In the past, I've been accused of confusing 'cold-blooded' with 'soulless.' The distinction is still unclear to me.) Plus, look at how disgusting it is to be inside a crab.

If you're stuck in a storm in the wild and a crustacean is your only option, make your peace with God, carve a note (stoic but infused with longing) to your loved ones into a sturdy tree, unsheathe your blade, square your hips, and prepare to face the storm mano a mano.


  1. Where there's krill (crustacean) there's whales. And whales are the "white whale" of any COACISSWer.

  2. You are very right to point out the failings of crustaceans as shelters. That does not however make them entirely useless creatures.
    I once filled my brothers sleeping bag with crabs from a nearby beach. It caused quite a stir, plenty of time for me to steal his provisions and run far enough away to escape retribution. I highly suggest it as a means of distraction for cannibals and unruly relatives. I assume this would work just as well if not better inside a carved out carcass.

  3. Anonymous, your ruthless adaptivity will serve you well 'neath the darkening skies.